Guaranteed to Create Relationship Harms
This is Part one of a three part series. Each article focuses on defining relationship patterns that we know from research is harmful to relationships and is highly predictive of an unhappy couple relationship and could even lead to divorce or dissolution.
It is important to remember that even in healthy stable relationships nobody is perfect and no couple is perfect. Most relationships have their off moments or episodes leading to distress in the relationship. The key differences in those relationships from relationships that are at great risk is that the level of harm in those relationships tend not be be at the levels described in these articles. Even if there is a major setback the stable couples have figured out how to repair the relationship and get it back on track.
The couples at risk are the ones where one or more of these harmful behaviors are pervasive and occurring over time. The lack of connection from the harmful behavior makes repairs less likely leading to escalating conflict and eventually partner withdrawal.
1. When a Partner Feels Invisible
This first toxic relationship behavior refers to a pattern in the relationship where the partner’s ideas, thoughts, and feelings don’t seem to make a difference, or have any impact, acknowledgement or respect. The partner feels like they don’t have a voice or any power.
Not being responded to as though the person is invisible and doesn’t exist creates feelings of aloneness. Things that are important are not acknowledged, concerns are dismissed, and silence from a none responsive partner is a powerful communication that may feel like “I am not important enough to notice.” Silence is not always golden.
At worse, the partner feels invalidated as in “gaslighting”, when what they express is dismissed as wrong or not accurate. Being told something didn’t happen when it did leaves the person being invalidated and they are crazy, especially when the evidence is blatently obvious that what they expressed realy did happen. These are not different perceptions or memories, those happen in healthy relationships too, this is about power and control. Gaslighting tools include denial, defensiveness, and criticism aimed at the partner being gaslit and often bullied and manipulated into giving up their own voice.
Causes of Partners Feeling Invisable
- Gottman research identifies partners “Turning Away” as a dynamic that, “takes money out of the emotional bank account”. If this happens a lot and over time partners stop talking to each other crerating different paths. Couples who have been together for a long time who end up divorcrd often fit this category. There isn’t a lot of hostility, rather it is indifference. Also see “What is a Negative Bid“
- The Gottman research identifies contempt as one person’s dismissal of another’s experience. Contempt is a big predictor of divorce and comes from a place of superiority, invalidating the other as not having it right and needs correction to be told “the truth” and to be straightened out. The person at the receiving end of contempt often feel like a child with self-esteem and low self-worth.
You may recall in the movie Back to the Future, Marty looks at his hand starting to fade and disappear indicating that the right conditions for Marty’s existence were not in place and they needed to change that. Avoiding the above patterns puts the partner back in the picture.
Next: 2. Up, Up, and Away. Warning Signs in Managing Conflict
