Looking at the Big Picture
When I was a brand new Certified Gottman Therapist I already had 26 years of experience in the field in private practice. While there were plenty of models and theories on relationships, what was missing was a research-based approach to defining healthy and ailing relationships. In 2005 Certified Gottman Therapist Lynda Voorhees, LMFT, a friend and colleague, encouraged me to attend a Gottman Level 1 Training. I found what I was looking for, Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
Phase 1 of the Gottman research focused on divorce prediction. When Dr. Julie Gottman joined her husband in creating the Gottman Institute, Phase 2 emerged with research now focused on divorce prevention. John and Julie created a relationship model, called \”The Sound Relationship House\”, a blueprint for defining what it takes to have a healthy relationship. The initial model had three components: Friendship, Conflict, and Meaning. Some years later Trust and Commitment were added to the model.
While learning to integrate new interventions from your own voice takes a while for all therapists, even experienced ones, it is important to understand the theory underneath those interventions. The Friendship and Conflict components seemed pretty straight forward to me in terms of what they represented and how they fit into the model. What did not seem as clear to me was the Meaning component.
After a while, it became clear to me that Meaning is what provides deep connection, the thread that holds the relationship together. Discovering what is meaningful and important to each partner is at the core of many of the Gottman tools for deepening Friendship and for managing Conflict. When partners ask each other what is important and meaningful, intimacy deepens in that mutual respect of simply asking to understand. It is found in the following statement:
Understanding precedes advice giving and problem-solving
Julie and John Gottman
What You Can Do To Increase Meaning in Your Relationship
All couples will find at times that they are stuck in an issue. Sometimes it may feel confusing when arguing about what should be “no big deal”. When discussing an important issue, or trying to figure out why you are stuck, or to uncover what turns out to be an important issue, ask each other questions like the following. Initially stay out of problem solving.
If this is important to you, it is important to me.
Julie and John Gottman
Ask Your Partner:
- What makes this important to you?
- What does this mean to you?
- What is your ideal outcome? (stay out of problem solving initially)
- What feelings do you have about this issue and what is at stake for you?
- How does this relate to your history and in your family?
Asking each other any form of, “What is important ti you and what does it mean to you?”, requires a lot of trust for that level of sharing. It is essential to be respectful of those responses and make it safe. This is the core of intimacy, partners feeling seen and accepted for who they are, each knowing what is important to the other.
Creating and Maintaining Intimacy Over Time
My initial confusion as a Gottman Therapist about the Meaning component gave way to a simple awareness about the importance of partners communicating love by asking and listening to answers to the right questions.
Meaning as the thread that holds relationships together creates the setting for couples to form a relationship built on understanding and acceptance. The couple creates a \”tapestry\” out of the threads, that collectively is made up of what is important to each partner. Over time the tapestry can evolve and change as needs and dreams might evolve and change. Weave these conversations into your relationship – it means a lot.
