Three Toxic Relationship Behaviors: Part 2 – Up, Up & Away
Guarenteed to Create Relationship Harms
This is the second article of three on Gottman research-based finding on predictors of divorce and rerlationship distress – an unhappy relationship. The first article, When a Partner Feels Invisible, addresses patterns where partners feel invalidated, unimportant, and that they are not respected and don’t have a voice.
While we all make mistakes and have off momements with our partner in healthy relationships couples know how to repair the mistakes and the relationship can move forward.
These patterns that ultimately lead to bad relationship outcomes tend to be consistent and will predictably lead to harm in the relationship that will likely take some work to undo if the relationship is going to last and be a happy one.
2. Up, Up, And Away – escalated conflict
Research indicates that a powerful predictor of relationship harm is when the conflict starts at a low intensity but then starts to quickly escalate so that, like a space ship, once it’s launched you are up, up, and away heading to the dark outer rim of reason and emotional control. This is when partners become “flooded”, a reference to the brain releasing stress hormones, increased heart rate, and lizard brain survival instincts with listening and problem-solving skills not accesable. The frontal lobe, which controls impulse control and executive function is on pause – “Houston we have a problem”
The difference in couples that don’t shoot into orbit is that while negativity from one partner does in fact lead to negativity in the other partner it doesn’t escalate and lead to continued attack and defend patterns found in up, up, and away couples. The negativity is short-term often characterized by irritation and perhaps frustration, but it dissipates and ends without continued aggravation. It’s not shutting down or trying to avoid conflict, it’s that the conflict doesn’t have any meaning that would upset the stability of the relationship.
Examples of Negative Interactions that Don’t Escalate
EXAMPLE !: Partner 1: “You said you wanted to have a date night this weekend, but here we are at home with no plans, again.” Partner 2:”Well, you could have suggested something, it’s not just my responsibility, and yes, we do need to make this a priority. Let’s figure this out.”
Analysis: The conversation goes on a bit longer, but neither partner is escalating things and even though there was some mutual blame and defensiveness, the couple was able to move through the negativity with no lasting impact. Negativity brings negativity, but it doesn’t really impact the couple beyond the initial irritation. Later in the evening they talk about other things and the initial conflict becomes a “nothing burger” (is that still a term people use?).
EXAMPLE 2: Partner 1: “You always leave stuff in the car and it drives me nuts. I hate clutter and you know that.” Partner 2: “Look, I’m sorry, I forgot to take that stuff out. I’m not perfect, but neither are you.”
Analysis: This example is a little stronger in the negativity cagtegory. Partner 1 starts with a classic blame and criticism, one of the four horsemen. Partner 2 does acknowledge blowing it, but then gets defensive, another four horsemen. But in this case it ends there after a short bit of aggravation and coming down from the stress of the day which contributed to the short tempered reactions. The couple does not revisit this and partner 2 makes extra effort going forward to keep the car tidy.
Avoiding the Up, Up, and Away pattern Couples can avoid launching into escalated conflict if there is enough good will and positivity in the relationship to absorb the negavity. Patterns of escalating conflict could be related to a number of underlying reasons, but in any case, this is the key:
How couples treat each other when they’re not in conflict is predictive of how they manage future conflicts
Next: Part 3: Emotion Commotion (plus strategies to avoid relationship harm)
