Guaranteed to Create Relationship Harms
This is a third article of three on predictably harmful patterns in relationships that lead to distress for not only couples, but in any relationship. The first article, When a Partner Feels Invisible, helps identify patterns that will lead to a person feeling small and not seen. The second article, Up, Up, and Away highlights how to identify negative conflict styles that increase negativity in the relationship.
We all make mistakes in our relationships, even in solid, happy relationships. The patterns in all three articles are destructive to the degree they remain a constant or regular pattern in the relationship. We can’t fix what we aren’t aware of. Naming something as a problem provides the opportunity to say, “What we are doing isn’t working, let’s try something different”. Happy couples aren’t perfect, they know how to avoid at least some of the time the land mines, but even more importantly, have a way to repair things when they end up stepping on the land mine.
3. emotion commotion – Managing the F Word (Feelings)
The Gottman research identifies not only the predictors of relationship distress, but also provides tools and concepts learned from real couples on what actually works in managing difficult emotions. How couples handle their emotional world is a huge predictor of relationship happiness and stability. Emotion Commotion refers to difficulties that arise when couples are stuck in not effectively managing emotions. This article will touch on some of the core concepts with tips on how to identify and hopefully avoid the Emotion Commotion moments.
Common Causes of Relationship Harm Related to Emotion Commotion
1. Diffuse Physiological Arousal
Also called “flooding”, this refers to one or both partners feeling so overwhelmed with an emotional reaction to what is happening that they move into a fight or flight mode. Physiologically the brain is firing stress hormones, the heart rate increases to over 100 beats per minute (use smart watches and apps to determine heart rate) and the ability to problem solve or think rationally is greatly impaired – it’s all about survival mode. The conversation will not end well. This was an early finding in the Gottman research that was groundbreaking in understanding the root cause of couples at risk for divorce. If the pattern remains unchecked then the damage accumulates from partners saying and doing things that they would never do outside of this flooded interaction. Essentially the brain’s response to perceived threat leads to defensives, attacks, or shutting down.
Tasks: Stop the conversation with a signal agreed to before hand that allows a break in the conversation for at least 20 minutes. During the break, don’t focus on the event, otherwise the “distress rehearsing” thoughts will keep the physiology up and running. It’s important to resume the conversation when both parties are not flooded.
2. Meta Emotion Mismatch (click here for additional information)
Partners who have different levels of comfort in identifying, naming, and expressing feelings may have a mismatch in expectations and perceptions about what is happening. In a relationship where one person isn’t comforable with emotions and the other partner is emotionally expressive, there is likely to be relationship harm unless this is identified and understood. The emotionally expressive partner often experiences the discomfort in their partner’s apparent inability and willingness to engage at an emotional level as disinterest in the relationship or not caring. The less emotionally expressive partner might tend to see their emotionally expressive partner as demanding, hard to please, and expecting too much.
Tasks: The research does not hold that expressive is better than not expressive, each position has its strengths and challenges. Couples where partners are both either emotionally expressive or emotionally dismissive have the same success rates. However, when partners are on opposite ends the the emotionally expressive continuum that present the greatest challenge for couples.
Aim for a mutual agreement that these differences in comfort level are not an automatic indication that the less emotionally involved partner is either “withdrawn and not caring”, or at the other end that the emotionally expressive person is not “demanding and can never be pleased”. Differences in emotional expression are not about negative attributions. There could be behaviors that support those feelings, but start first by recognizing these differences simply reflect preferences of two different people. Once partners recognize the problem as differences verses character attributes, they begin redefining the problem and are more likely to stay away from attacking or criticizing the partner.
A very useful exercise would be to interview each other on what the partner learned from their family of origin about feelings.
- “What did you learn in your family about expressing feelings?”
- Aiming at specific feelings, one at a time : “What did you learn about expressing anger…fear…worry…pride…etc
- Who was allowed to express these feelings?
- What would happen when you tried to express your feelings?
3. Four Horsemen:
The four horsemen are interaction patterns predictive of divorce and relationship break down (click here for additional information). The four horsemen are called: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. They reflect negative patterns of interaction that unrecognized will erode trust and intimacy. These are red flags that once identified can be addressed and put an ailing relationship back on track. (Click here for a a short cartoon tutorial is available on the Gottman website).
Tasks: While there are specific tasks to avoid the four horsemen, a good general approach is for partners to avoid describing their partner, instead describe self. “It’s been a while since we have spent time together, I’m feeling lonely and I need some time with you.” Describing self also includes what you need to make things better.
The key is found in “Interdependency”, a dynamic found in healthy relationships. This term refers to each partners agreement and willingness to the idea that, “In our relationship it is OK for each of us to express our thoughts, feelings and needs. A respectful acknowledgement and response builds trust and safety in the relationship.
Conclusion: While there are other considerations on relationship harms, this is a good overview of the research. Hopefully these researched-based findings will start a conversation in your relationship. Taking the time to understand and address these harmful relationship behaviors is an ongoing work, and one idea is to take some time for a periodic check in on how things are going. Have a conversation exchanging thoughts and feelings with each partner answering the following two questions: “What is going well in our relationship? What needs attention?”
