Try This Relationship Hack That takes 5.6 seconds

Setting the Stage

Once you set this up with your partner it literally takes less than 6 seconds to put this relationship tool in action. As a couple therapist in private practice for over 40 years I learned from research, observations, and from the couples I worked with that once couples learn a intervention or communication tool the chances for ongoing success in its use increases a lot when partners understand not only how to use the tool, but also know why it works. They then have a shared understanding and language of the how and why. I thought of an old joke as I started to write this article, so bear with me because the punchline speaks to a core concept for any communication tool to be successful.

There were a group of retired men who were gathered for their weekly breakfast get-together to hang out, chit chat, and discuss topics of mutual interests with lots of opinions being shared back and forth. An onlooker at the table next to them couldn’t help but notice the group, felt drawn in by their energy and friendship. Everything seemed perfectly normal to the observer until toward the end of everybody finishing their breakfast. There was a brief period of silence then one man said “8”. Everybody laughed. A moment latter another man curtly said “12”, immediately afterwards the laughter got even louder.This went on for a little while longer when another man said “7”. There was dead silence, a few men skimmed, some shaking their heads, but trying to be polite. As the men were getting up to leave the observer called over the man closest and asked. ” I don’t mean to be nosy, but what was going on with the numbers be yelled?” Oh, said the man, we have been getting together for so long and saying the same jokes for years, that we thought it would save time to use numbers to tell the joke. Everybody knowns what joke goes with that number that’s called out.” The observer was still perplexed asking, “Okay, but why didn’t anybody laugh when the man said 7?” Oh, that was Pete, he never could tell a joke”

Creating a Connection Through Bids and Turning Towards

When partners in a relationship attach the same meaning to words, phrases, non verbal communication, (or even numbers), then that association becomes a shortcut without having to explain. Couples can develop this understanding that only they understand, and nobody else would know what the message is, or that there is even a message. That’s called “an embedded code” and includes things like pet names you may not want anybody to know about. Another example is inside jokes with standard, predictable lines that always get a laugh. One embedded code I suggest for this hack is the term, “I am making a bid”.

The Gottman research on relationship stability has identified the Sound Relationship House theory that include nine different levels, or domains associated with relationship stability and instability. Bids and Turning Towards is identified in the “Friendship System”, the heart of positivity, intimacy, and closeness.

Also see “What is a Negative Bid?”

A bid is any attempt a partner makes to connect with their partner: a bid for attention, time, romance, a listening ear, humor, support, etc. When the listening partner responds with attention and acknowledgement to that bid that is called “turning toward”. Turning toward the bid increases trust and puts money in the emotional bank account. It can not be overstated how important this concept is in healthy relationship functioning. Ignoring the bid, or responding negatively takes money out of the emotional bank account – that’s bad for the relationship.

There are high level and low level bids. A high level bid means it is a really important need the speaker is putting out and the partner’s response is critically important. A low level bid reflects a need that is not as important, but is a need being expressed. For a detailed explanation of Bids and Turning Toward click for vlog

Putting the hack into action

The first step is for both partners to understand the concept of bids and turning toward.

The second step is to develop a code that represents the concept. It’s as simple as saying, “I am making a bid” That is shortcut for “I am wanting to connect to you, so I have a request, an idea, or something I would appreciate happening. Please pay attention and acknowledege this need”.

Final step, make agreements responding to the bid.

Example

Sean is feeling they have not had much time together and wants to make a plan to connect. Sean approaches the partner saying, “Hey Riley I’m making a bid, I miss being alone with you, how about going out for a cup of coffee? (5.6 seconds if you speak fast like me).

Rile responds with, A) “I am kind of tired. how about tomorrow?” or B) “Sure, what time do you want to leave?” or C) “Great idea, it has been a while.”

That’s it – the embedded code has meaning to the communication that expresses something important is happening. This is what the Gottman’s describe as the smallest units of intimacy. Give it a try with your partner and refine the hack that fits for you as a couple

Bonus Tip

When a partner makes a bid, the listening partner can ask, “On a scale of 1-10 how important is this to you?” This helps the listener to know what is at stake emotionally for the bidder.

Example: “I wanted to share with you something that happened at work”. The listening partner looks distracted, so the bidder says, “Yup, I’m making a bid”. The listener focuses and says, 1-10 how important is this? I am hoping to finish this email? The bidder says, only a 2, something funny happened and I wanted to share it with you, but it can wait until you are done”. Scenario 2: The bidder responds with “This is an 8, I am really upset about my review.”

Super embedded example: “Got a bid for you. Let’s talk about getting a vacation on the calendar.” Listener, “I bet this is an 8 or higher, yea?” Bidder: “Yes!”

Consider Developing You Own Embedded codes

You probably already have them, things like: inside jokes you both repeat over and over and still laugh; cute nick names that nobody else knows, and would probably be embarrassing is they did; special meals and other gestures that have meaning; rituals of connection like playing games or sharing in something meaningful to the two of you. The possibilities are limitless.

You could even use numbers like in the joke. In a spirit of humble transparency, my wife and I have a very long-standing embedded code. Here is the entire conversation with either one of us initiating”

“5”, the response is “2”,

That’s it. 5 represents five words, “I love you very much.” 2 means “Me too”. If the responder feels chatty the response would be “6”, “I love you very much too.” Corny? absolutely, and it is a great conversation especially when needed for humorous moment of connection or support, and it only takes 2.29 seconds.

Well, now that I outed our secret embedded code we may need to come up with another? Nope this is a keeper.