It may seem like a waste of time to talk about what may seem superficial. After all, “Whats the point, I want to have a meaningful relationship. Does this mean we never go deep or beyond the surface?” No, it does not mean that, but let my explain the context.
A number of years back I was doing couples therapy where the husband was complaining about that very concern. He wanted to connect with his wife, but grew impatient when she shared about the day-to-day stuff. I told him the day-to-day conversations build trust, connection, and increases the likelihood that those deeper connections and conversations will happen when needed.
It was a hard sell. He didn’t understand why they couldn’t just have those conversations. I explained the research findings that when partners feel understood, when they can share their daily experiences, even the repetitive and ongoing stresses and concerns, trust is strengthened. It’s like training for a marathon, something you work up to and support over a period of time. As time went on, he began to see the value of these “talking about nothing” conversations. Closeness was not something that could be forced and wasn’t going to happen overnight, especially when there has been an period of struggle and/or lack of connection.
Sometimes couples forget to take these “hamaka moments” and get caught up in the business of life. Over time, forgetting takes a toll. If that is the case in your relationship be sure to set those anchor points and get into the hamaka together again on a regular basis, checking in and sharing parts of your day.